With Thanksgiving and the holiday season approaching, I encourage us all to find time to slow our hurried pace and stop to consider what truly defines a fulfilling holiday season.

As we move into a time of gratitude with the celebrations of light that can help us through the winter solstice and into the renewal of the new year, we can simultaneously face the pressures of pleasing others, of reuniting with families and friends, and of making the holidays memorable and joyful—as well, perhaps, as the anticipation of disappointment when things might not feel as “perfect” as we planned.

While our (often self-imposed) expectations of the holiday season can feel unavoidable, there are things we can do to center what really matters to us. Sometimes it can help to design backward and to anticipate realistic outcomes as the driver of your efforts. You might ponder:

• What could a successful holiday season look like for you?
• What are some ways you can set yourself and your family up for success?
• What courageous conversations might you need to have to set the stage for shared expectations and values?
• What are the trade-offs and non-negotiables?
• What might you have to grieve or resolve in these trade-offs?
• And how can you be conscious of the choices you make and own them?

Many of us unconsciously wish for a Martha Stewart-quality holiday celebration and measure ourselves against this impossible standard—and in doing so can unintentionally create a wedge among family members whom we are trying to bring closer to us. A smooth, frictionless holiday season that beautifully photographs may elide the deep and real connections you’re hoping to foster. We know that authentic relationships are built when we are vulnerable and real with each other; of course, the good news is that those opportunities present themselves at regular intervals.

We also can think about what explicit and implicit message(s) we’re sending our children and how we might adjust to stay true to the values and purpose we want them to learn. Some questions you might ask yourself:

• How are you handling your child’s disappointment so they know you believe they can manage their feelings (as opposed to trying to shield them from disappointment)?
• How can you stay in relationship with your child when they make a mistake (which they are bound to do)?
• How can you foster their sense of care for others?
• How can you create opportunities for family and friends to attune to one another and forge or preserve valuable connections?

The true beauty of the work of parenting and of building families (chosen or inherited) is how we show up during times of reconciliation and healing. Whether it’s a skinned knee, a sibling conflict, a wished-for present that didn’t materialize, or a rude or dismissive comment, we can stay present with our loved ones, attune to them, and provide care. We can let them know that we believe things will turn out okay, even if we cannot predict the path forward.

We all thrive when we embrace the difficult challenge, when we help our children create a narrative or help them think differently about a situation. This goes for us, too. When we let go of scripts that no longer serve us (often not even of our own making), we can approach our job as parents and caregivers in our children’s lives with flexibility, calm, and a sense of acceptance that all will be well. We can find the joy that comes when we walk alongside our families and friends in times of change, which the holidays certainly embody and imbue.

As for me, I am grateful for a profession and calling that offers purpose and a values-driven life, one that provides me with opportunities to cultivate my mind and my heart as I walk alongside this beloved community and learn so many powerful lessons with and from you. In a time of change and flux, I feel energized by my role in preserving and insisting upon nuance and complexity in the fascinating and critical work of raising the next generation together.

I wish you rest, unstructured time, play, peace, reflection, and a conscious cultivation of what’s important to you and relinquishing the rest. I look forward to hearing about your precious, perfectly imperfect holidays.

Warmly,
Laura

Dr. Laura Konigsberg
Head of School
lkonigsberg@turningpointschool.org